Yes, this is crack!fic. Don't expect much, I was just bored. No kinky stuff yet, but there might be a pt. 2? Anyone for making it a Round Robin crack!fic?
Title: BRB, going to Narnia ... bitches!
Rating: PG for Sirius' language
Pairing: Siri/Tumnus of course
Disclaimer: I've only seen the Narnia films ... and yes, I painted Sirius as a total douche. I just had to.
"I killed Sirius Black!"
A dazed and confused -- befuddled even -- Sirius Black landed flat on his back over a rock. A very hard one. One covered in snow. Flailing in surprised pain, he squirmed around on the ground going "Ow! Ow! OW!" for a riddiculous amount of time. That is, until he realized no one was there to witness him being stupid.
In fact, he wasn't sure where 'there' was anyways. It was a bloody Christmas card in here or ... out there? Brushing snow from his hair, he listened around for any sign of life, but it wasn't like an England winter. It was dead silent, save for a single oil lit lamp bubbling and popping near by.
"Great!" he whispered, pulling a cigarette from his almost crushed pack and lifting the glass off the side of the lamp to light it. "Forgot my lighter in my other double-collared shirt ... " The lamp didn't seem to mind, so it wasn't magical as far as Sirius could see. He pulled away and inhaled that smoke as though it was liquid morphine. "Alright so, where ... did I ... huh, is this still the Ministry?" he asked to no one in particular.
"I-I-I'm afraid not!" came a voice off to his left. On sheer instinct, Sirius spun around and shot off a curse, striking a tree next to the talker and causing it to snow all around the frightened ... thing? He saw goat feet, but the man was shirtless ontop. Ugh, he had arm hair longer that Snivillus's nose hairs running up from his elbows, and goat horns.
"Where am I then, Goat Boy?" He squinted through the winter snow's gleam, having to shield his eyes to watch the creature step out.
"All you see hear ... from that lamp post, all the way to Castle Ca--" "Yeah yeah, enough with the speech, am I still in London? As in ... England?" Sirius interrupted, ashing his cigarette onto the base of the street lamp.
"N-No, you're in ... Narnia!" came his bewildered voice, motioning to all the snow covered trees around them. He was jovial and excited to see someone that wasn't an ice bitch, a scary dwarf, or a badger. But it was clear that the man wasn't impressed.
Giving this goat boy a look of pure 'I could give a shit', he rubbed his brilliant 70's muttonchops and chewed his cheek, "Yeah, too cold for me. Know the way out?"
Mr. Tumnus scampered in place for a moment, "There is no way out. We've been in an eternal winter for 100 yea--" Interrupted again by Sirius's belch, he approached him with an unimpressed gait, "I got here somehow, didn't I? Then there's a way out. Take me-- well, take me to your leader ... "
"I-I-I ... I suppose I could ... but she's kind of a bi--oh well, it doesn't matter. My name is Mr. Tumnus, by the by." He offered a bow and Sirius snorted, "Uhm ... I'm Sirius, I guess." He had to laugh, wondering if he'd fallen into some stupidly silly Muggle fairy tale book or something. This Goat Boy was ridiculous.
As they began to walk, Sirius noticed a few bottles hanging from the goat's arms. "Hey, is that liqour? I could use a little warmin' up ... " Truth be told, following behind goat boy was giving him all sorts of frat boy-like ideas. His musculature was impressive from back there, even the tail was cute. And that little red knitted scarf? Oh, pull yourself together you twat!
Mr. Tumnus looked down at the bottles he was carrying. "Yes, i-it is. Plum wine. I-I've also got ... s-sardines back at my place, if you cared for a-a--" Before the flubbering faun could get the rest of his words out, Sirius had gone for the liquor and was drinking straight from the bottle, " ... o-or I guess we can just ... drink it right here ... " spoke the Faun meakly, watching his month long savings go down the human's gob. He even spilled quite a good portion of it.
"Aaah, there that's better. Now, what were you saying? I hate fish, by the way ... " He came up close to Mr. Tumnus, reaching one of his short arms out to lay it over Mr. Tumnus' shoulders, effectivly pulling him in close.
Playing with the nervous little goat boy would prove more fun than anything else in this god forsaken Winter Wonderland. At least to Sirius, it would.
~ to be continued ... ? ~